Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
