you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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