trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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