It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
