You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
