I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
