I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
