Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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