Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
