my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
