see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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