I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
