apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize