My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
