May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
