i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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