My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
