I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't turn off my feet"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
