Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
