My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
