can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
