Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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