omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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