does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
