I think I won the penis lottery.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
