Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wish my penis had a tongue
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
