and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My hand turned me down
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
