I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
