Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Too much gin, very little bucket
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
