Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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