So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
