Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
