highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
