dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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