Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize