i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
