So drunk its hurt
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dick has a subreddit
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
