This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am one with the molecules
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
