You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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