The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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