I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sobbing to NWA
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
