I got chris browned last night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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