I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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