i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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