i love accidental penises.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
