I'm gonna have a badass scar
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
