I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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