he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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