i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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