Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
