Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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