Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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