im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
