I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
