i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
