i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
