someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
