I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
